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Jill53

Grew up in the northeast but have been south of the Mason-Dixon Line for 26 years. Moved to the RTP area 8 weeks ago for a job. My professional background is in mental health and social services. I have managed federal grants, headed crisis centers, worked with the the chronically mentally ill and t...

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Down the Rabbit Hole...

I was recently told by someone I was holding on to my anger like a security blanket.  He suggested I couldn not move on and heal if I didn’t let it go. As true as the statements were, all this wisdom was coming from the person who was the target of the anger.  This was the addict, (in remission when I met him) and he neglected to mention that fact until he had begun using again (eight years later). And, oh yea! there was also the issue of his trangenderism. Another overlooked piece of information that didn’t surface until we had been living together for a couple of years, had bought a house and were up to our collective ears in debt.  Later he was to tell me that all addicts are excellent liers and actors and that’s why I never suspected anything.  He said he had been living with his secrets and demons for years and had long ago learned how to play the roles society expected of him without blinking an eye. So, anger was the least of what I was feeling at the time. My life took on a whole new perspective as if I was living in a surrealistic world where up was down and down was up. I know exactly how Alice in Wonderland felt. Where was the Cheshire Cat when I needed him?  I once read anger is fear turned outward and that’s certainly true in my case. My trouble with fear is that it’s uncomfortable and unbalancing so I went to the emotion more easy to convey and that was anger. I think anger is the “go to” emotion for many people. Anger doesn’t feel as vulnerable as fear does. Anger feels powerful.  Anger can be vented in sarcastic diatribes. Anger can get physical and in some parts of the country it’s required. I, on the other hand had decided to take another approach and by that I mean the slow burning type of anger that flashes white hot with biting words and then simmers yellow/orange for days waiting to reignite unpredictably. I now realize it was my attempt to try to regain some sense of control over what was happening to my life. When the job offer came, 18 months later, for a position 150 miles away, I took it. It was not in my previous career field and I would have to start all over again, personally and professionally at 55 but I took it anyway. I needed a fresh start and I needed to put distance between my past life and my future. As for my anger......I’m learning to let go and accept things in life I can’t control, no matter how frightened I am of them.